I had a teary fit. Ever have one of those? A day where the mount seems insurmountable?
I have created an unsustainable schedule. And it’s no one’s doing but my own – the result of over-ambitious, perhaps even wishful thinking. An I-am-infallible kind of over-scheduling. And it finally got the best of me.
And in my fit of tears, my words-don’t-make-any-sense gush of an explanation to my husband, who, in spite of me, just wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head…
… it all made sense to me. I just need to make it right. My clients aren’t going to be happy with me, my own disappointment is tangible.
But how do we eat an elephant?
One. bite. at. a. time.
Behind my imperfection, there is a someone who was believed in so much – by a mother who told her she could do anything, be anything, accomplish anything… by a husband who still makes her swoon and says all the right things… by children who think she hangs the moon.
Trying to do it all, be it all? Has lead to utter failure. Unsustainable.
As an entrepreneur, I manage two small businesses.
As a photographer, I have between 2-3 shoots a week.
As a designer, I have approximately 2 new web design projects on the calendar each Monday from March until October.
As a home educator, I teach 4th grade, 3rd grade and preK/K this year.
As a mom, I take care of 3 amazing boys.
As a wife, I attempt to make my husband as happy as he makes me.
As a friend, I think they’ve abandoned me. I’ve made too many “i’m busy” excuses for them to have any faith it’ll be better next time.
And in attempting to be all those things, in dividing myself to do them all – each has suffered. I don’t promote my photography business as much as I’d like. I am 3 – 4 weeks behind my design queue. I’ve been more of a referee than teacher lately. If you all could see my laundry, I’d die of embarrassment. My cleaning lady went on maternity leave in October; I never heard back. (Oh I don’t blame her, I’d so quit this house, too!) As a wife, I’ve delegated more meals and more tasks to my husband than I care to admit. And as I mom, I’ve been saying, “Okay honey, in just a minute.” way too many times.
So, if you’re one of those people affected by my absolute inability to create a sustainable schedule. I am so sorry.
But I did it. I wrote to my clients, humbly asking for understanding. Our summer break starts soon with school. A welcome break for students and teacher alike. I’m going to take a week of from shoots to catch up with the editing. I want to say “yes” more to my boys, and “no” more to projects that take up disproportionate amounts of time. I want to be a better friend.
As for the laundry? I will resist the urge to donate it all to The Goodwill. Not making any promises, though.
To my husband – I love you so much sometimes I think I might implode from how lucky I am to have you. Thanks for loving me in spite of me.
To everyone else – I’m sorry.
ps – No elephants were harmed in the making of this post.